The teeter totter mindset

>>The past few weeks my mind has been clouded by doubt, low self esteem and anxiety when concerning anything related to the arts and photography. Fear and loathing in Lost Wages. I am not a commercial, pro or freelance anything except human soldering station, so when it comes to photography my mind goes awry with worry about the who, why, what and how (the where is the easy part).

Recently after looking at a Yahoo group that concerns itself with DIY black and white imaging I began to feel a little more at ease with my self and loosened the grip I had on my psyche with regards to photography.

Will I succeed? That remains to be seen, but I need to plant my feet on the ground and start moving with confidence.<<

Well this was how I felt a week or so ago when I started this post, but now after looking through some old stuff the old again and trying to sort some things self doubt crops up again. Too much anxiety about things overall. Organization is beyond me, I falter just thinking about it but it's what needs to be done if I ever want to do anything besides collect butterflies. And then there's having a plan, harumpf I come up with these all the time only to find out they were premature in concept and short on follow through. I wished I could just push the whole thing off a cliff or crush it under a 10 ton truck.

Jury Duty

So far I've been on for 3 days, tomorrow to be (hopefully) the last, then I can post my thoughts and feelings of the trial, the legal system and jury duty itself.

So much for that...

Nothing much to report, just that it's the middle of the month and some depression has set in to smooth out my year of self inflicted torture. But damn a guy can hope and dream right? So that I do and go on without much effort or finesse just keep on keeping on as it were without letting on too much or mostly none at all. It wouldn't be good if I did, so I'll just keep it to myself.

Goddammit, what ever happened to hopes and dreams? Where'd that shit get off to anyhow???

"Middle age gotcha boy, that's all...An' it aint' probably comin' back anyhow." said the old negro woman selling crab cakes on the pier, sweating it out in the hot, salty coastal Georgia sun with her crusted feet in flip flops, setting aside an old styro container full of crabs and all waiting for someone to revive her from the surf and sand induced catatonic state so as to maybe buy some crabs. Then everyone could all go home and enjoy the day somehow, somewhere and someway.

Vacation plans

It's been almost a year since the last road trip and now I feel the wanderlust building up again. With enough time off saved up I think it's time to venture further out and for a longer period. 2 weeks should be enough to meander through the west and up to the old homestead. Zion, Bryce, Yellowstone, Little Big Horn, Rushmore, Devil's Tower. Ambitious but what the hell, what have I got to lose but gas money and some tire tread.

The thought of car travel doesn't jibe with the SO, soooo... we no go joe. Oh well so it goes...

Kiss me I'm Irish mostly German...

...but kiss me anyway you fool.

Yeah so I have an Irish surname, but my grandfather was half Irish and half German (and served in WWI as a translator plus was gassed there by his kind), and his wife was totally German and my mother's family is German, Dutch and French. So while I have a bit of a the old Teutonic touch to me, I still have a romantic penchant for lazily idling my time away while knocking back some whiskey or a black and tan and dreaming of better days ahead.

Numbness in my extremities

Mostly in my psyche... The migration has me at a loss in more ways than one. First off I can't find anything, and second off I'm not sure where anything will go exactly should I find it.

Cable is finally on and I can watch 155 channels of nothing on, buy some pay-for-pr0n, surf the net and dream of a big screen LCD and media center. But alas Time Warner has questionable service with regards to Roadrunner's setup and execute. I don't recall much ado when setting up my Cox accounts but it seems that the login and password T/W provided are not working so I can't setup my email app.

Oh well big deal, there's boxes of shit to unpack, furniture to buy, beer in the fridge and a motorcycle to consider.